Jana Hocking: I was having the best casual sex of my life but I broke the golden rule and ruined it

Let’s face it, winter brings not only a morning frost but looooong cold nights that are best spent wrapped between the legs of a man.

I find I lose all motivation to venture out anytime after 6pm during the colder months, so I’ve gone and done what any woman blessed with a high libido would do: I’ve got myself a FWB aka ‘friend with benefits’.

Yes, just like half the cheeky submissions I get to my weekly Instagram ‘Saucy Secrets’, I too enjoy the nude company of someone I have very little interest turning into a boyfriend.

He first crossed my path at a bar in Bondi, and we had some outrageously flirty banter before sharing Instagram accounts. I hate to sound horribly cliché, but he is literally tall, dark, and handsome. 

He has a strong French accent that is often hard to understand and the arrangement is completely surface level because he will be choofing back overseas soon. You’ve got to love a handsome traveller.

Now, what makes this FWB situation a success is a few key factors: We don’t stay up all night sharing thoughts and feelings. In fact, he doesn’t even sleep over. 

We’ve never even been on a date, but when he slid into my DMs a few hours after we met I thought: ‘why the heck not?’

For full transparency, I was rebounding hard from a breakup, and he turned out to be the perfect distraction. He won’t mind me saying that, because he, too, is happy to keep it casual.

One of us will simply message the other to see if they are home, and if so, we meet up for some nudie rudie time. 

This could be late on a Saturday night, or straight after work on a Tuesday. It’s simply when the mood strikes. And to be honest, the sporadic nature of it is what keeps it fun.

It’s been a few months now post-breakup, so I am ready to find a proper boyfriend but this arrangement has allowed me to take my time, rather than race into another relationship out of boredom. 

I’ve got the space to breath and weigh up my options. Which, to be honest, are almost non-existent at the moment. Especially considering we all tend to hibernate in winter.

I believe the official term for what I am doing is called ‘cuffing season’. 

Definition: a period of time when single people begin looking for a short-term partnership to pass the colder months of the year.

And I hate to follow a dating trend, but here I am.

It’s giving me strong memories of a bubble buddy I had during lockdown. Which brings me to an important lesson…

If you want to have a successful FWB, you basically must never bond. Should you find yourself sharing a connection with your FWB, you are really screwed.

Nothing throws a spanner in the works quite like forming a proper crush on them. I learned this the hard way during lockdown and spoiler alert: it ended in disaster.

This was a guy who I knew vaguely through friends, but got to know better thanks to some DMs right in the middle of lockdown when the boredom had well and truly kicked in. 

One night after a few strong-pour martinis, the messages turned a little raunchy and I thought great, I’ve got myself a FWB.

The guy fancied himself quite the cook, so when he offered to drop over a lasagna, who was I to say no? I had become best friends with half the Uber eats drivers in Sydney, so it was a ‘big yes’ to a home cooked meal.

The lasagna must have had some form of fairy dust in it because not long after that, he became my official ‘bubble buddy’. We kept it light until one time when he offered to stay the whole night and we stayed up talking for hours.

Uh-oh: we bonded. We spent the next couple of weeks in lockdown fairly glued to the hip, so when it was time to come out and mix with others again, things started to go pear shaped.

A girl he had been seeing interstate before lockdown came back into town, a guy I had been seeing at work was back within my 5km radius. 

Things were grand when life was on pause, but Sydney really sped back up again post-lockdown and we were left in a very ‘it’s complicated’ status.

Safe to say, feelings got hurt, words were said, and sadly we really took the ‘friends’ out of FWB.

So here are just a couple of things you must do to make sure the lines don’t get blurred:

1. Be upfront and completely honest

Make sure you’re both aware that this is strictly a casual thing. And check in often to make sure that’s still the case. 

Lord knows an earth-shattering orgasm can really make you ponder whether this bloke could actually be husband-material. Be warned.

2. No sleepovers

There’s nothing quite as intimate as waking up next to someone. Especially if you’re in the mood for a cuddle. 

All that body-warmth without the sex can make for quite the bonding experience.

3. Keep it light

No midnight chats about your deepest and darkest secrets. No calling them crying if you’re stressed out and wanting some comfort. 

This is purely a physical transactional agreement. Harsh but fair.

Save all that lovely bonding business for the person that takes you on dates. They are the ones it is far safer to bond with.

Now go forth and embrace this winterly, wonderful cuffing season. May the orgasms be forever in your favour.